Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
