There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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