I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
