a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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