my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize