the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
