John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
