Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
