Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
