im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
