My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How does it feel to date your dad?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
