What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
