He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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