Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize