how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
