She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
