just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
