then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
