so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
