apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
