I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
People in love make me want to vomit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
