I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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