he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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