i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
