So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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