god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
