That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
