It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
