Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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