the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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