I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
