i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
