dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize