I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I smell stomach acid.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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