She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
