What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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