Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
