Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Congratulations! We have a period
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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