It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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