just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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