My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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