i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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