Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Randomize
