Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
