it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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