Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
