Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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