is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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