no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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