community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
