I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
