just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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