I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
