I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
