My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
