Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
