It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize