I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize