I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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